Asian-cy [Agency]: Our Ability to Make Decisions or Act Independently and How It Affects Our Adult Functioning & Relationships
For the past decade, I have worked with many Asian and Asian American clients who struggled with low self-esteem, self-criticism, and self-doubt. Many of them had a common denominator in their lives: parents or caregivers who had made decisions for them throughout their lives, well into their young adulthood.
Presentation may differ. It may show up as depression [or a lack of motivation], high-functioning anxiety, or people-pleasing tendencies. They all may have the same root: you had to follow the plans and decisions that your caregivers made so that you could keep peace in your family.
When we were young, this way of life might have worked well. Making independent choices meant that you would need to take responsibility for those choices. On the other hand, when you followed the paths that your family had chosen for you, you might have been protected from the possible consequences of the choices made.
The consequences of having a lack of agency often lie dormant until the scaffold of childhood is removed. As these individuals face adult milestones, such as getting a job, choosing a partner, and navigating finances, the 'protection' they once enjoyed transforms into a liability. They find themselves equipped with a map drawn by someone else, for a terrain that only they can navigate.
The hidden cost of this protection was the atrophy of the decision-making muscle. By outsourcing the navigation of life to their caregivers, these children never practiced the micro-failures necessary to build resilience. They learned how to be good sons and daughters, but not how to be autonomous individuals.
In adulthood, the stakes are real. When a person who has never held the steering wheel is suddenly forced to drive on the freeway of life, the result is often Analysis Paralysis. They may procrastinate on career moves or agonize over minor decisions because they are waiting for permission or validation that is no longer there (or no longer appropriate) to give.
This lack of agency inevitably bleeds into romantic partnerships. An adult who has been trained to prioritize family harmony over their own needs often becomes a partner who cannot voice their desires. They may attract dominant partners who replicate the control of their parents, or they may burden their partners with the exhausting task of making every joint decision. Ultimately, intimacy requires two whole selves; it is difficult to be intimate when you don't know where you end and others begin.
When a person enters adulthood without a strong sense of personal agency, they often unconsciously look for a partner who can fill the role their parents once held. In therapy, we often see this manifest in two distinct but damaging dynamics:
The Parent-Child Dynamic
If you are used to having decisions made for you, you may attract or seek out partners who are dominant, decisive, or controlling. Initially, this feels safe because it mimics the protection you felt in childhood. You don't have to choose the restaurant, the vacation spot, or the mortgage plan; your partner does it for you. But over time, this safety transforms into suffocation. The "child" partner feels unheard and eventually resentful, while the "parent" partner feels burdened by the exhaustion of carrying the emotional load for two people.
The Peacekeeper’s Dilemma
For many Asian Americans, love was modeled as anticipating others’ needs and "minimizing conflict by sacrificing one’s needs. In a relationship, this leads to a lack of authentic communication. You might agree to things you don’t want, like how often to visit in-laws or how to spend money, because your agency muscle is atrophied. You learned that saying “no" threatens the bond. Consequently, the relationship becomes built on a foundation of silent compliance rather than genuine intimacy. True intimacy requires two distinct individuals sharing their lives; it is impossible to be truly intimate when you are busy morphing into whoever you think your partner wants you to be.
The Struggle for Differentiation
The clinical term for developing this agency is Differentiation of Self. It is the ability to remain emotionally connected to your family while still maintaining your own thoughts, feelings, and values.
For Asian Americans, differentiation is often more painful than it is for our Western counterparts. In individualistic cultures, leaving the nest and forging your own path is celebrated. In many of our cultures, it can be seen as a betrayal. For example, when you start to reclaim your agency, perhaps by setting a boundary about your career or your dating life, it often triggers intense anxiety in the family system. Parents may react with hurt, silence, or anger. The adult child then interprets this anxiety not as my parents are adjusting, but as I am being a bad child.
The work of healing is realizing that letting go of the family expectation is not the same as letting go of the family love. You can honor your parents and care for them without letting their anxiety dictate your life choices. Differentiation is not about cutting off your family (which is just another form of reactivity); it is about learning to stand on your own two feet while remaining in the room with them. It is the ability to say, "I love you, and I disagree," without crumbling under the weight of the resulting tension.
Practical Micro Steps to Build Resilience & Agency
a) Reclaiming preference
Many of us default to "I'm okay with anything" or "What do you want?" to avoid the responsibility of choosing "wrong" or inconveniencing the group.
The Micro Step: Next time you are eating out with a partner or friend, you must be the one to choose the restaurant. If that feels too big, be the first to suggest a specific cuisine (e.g., "I am craving Thai food," not "Do you want Thai food?").
The goal is to practice voicing a desire without waiting for permission or consensus first.
b) Waiting before Saying Yes
For those raised to be "good children," the impulse to say "yes" to a request is immediate and somatic. We agree before our brain has even processed the request.
The Micro Step: When a family member or friend asks for a favor (even a small one), enforce a mandatory delay. Use the phrase: "Let me check my schedule/capacity and get back to you." Even if you know you are free, wait at least 10 minutes (or 24 hours for big requests) before responding.
The goal is to insert a wedge of space between the stimulus (the request) and the response (the action), allowing your actual agency to enter the room.
c) Building Self-Trust
Anxiety often drives us to crowdsource decisions. We text three friends, call our mom, and ask our partner before buying a pair of shoes or sending an email. We are looking for an external validation to hold our internal anxiety.
The Micro Step: Identify one low-stakes decision this week, such as buying a specific household item, choosing a weekend activity, or responding to a non-urgent email. Make the decision entirely alone. Do not ask for input. Do not debrief with anyone afterwards, asking, "Did I do the right thing?"
The goal is to sit with the discomfort of uncertainty and realize that you can survive it without external validation.
d) Overcoming Utility Guilt
In many immigrant families, value is tied to utility or frugality. Buying something just because you like it can trigger deep guilt or feelings of selfishness.
The Micro Step: Buy something small (under $20) that has absolutely no practical utility but brings you joy. A specific flower, a weird figurine, a fancy drink.
The goal is to validate that your pleasure is a sufficient reason for a decision. You don't need a "logical" defense for every choice you make.
e) Not Apologizing for Stating Needs
We often apologize for having needs ("Sorry, but could we maybe go here?" or "Sorry, I can't make it").
The Micro Step: Send one text or make one statement expressing a boundary or preference without the word "sorry" or a qualifying explanation. Instead of "Sorry, I'm too tired to hang out," try "I'm going to stay in tonight and rest."
The goal is to differentiate between doing something wrong (which requires an apology) and having a limit (which requires respect).
Warning: After you take a micro-step, you will likely feel a 'vulnerability hangover.' You might feel guilt, panic, or a sudden urge to apologize. This does not mean you made a mistake. It means you are breaking a pattern. That anxiety is simply the sensation of your agency growing.
Author: Wonbin Jung, PhD, LMFT